I'll just begin this by saying that I have a temper. I've learned over the years to control it because it has gotten me into LOTS of trouble in the past. No one ever has to guess how I feel because I usually don't keep my feelings to myself. However, recently we've experienced something that I'm not sure how to deal with. It has broken my heart, made me angry, frustrated, and worst of all soooo sad! Out of respect for others who are involved, I cannot vent this anger, and I cannot speak my mind. Of course, my husband and I have dealt with this as a couple and as a family unit, but it always helps me to bounce ideas off of friends and family and I can't do that in this situation which has made the anger and sadness worse.
These feelings have more or less derailed my enthusiasm for my repentance process. I've been trying to maintain my faith and have failed. When it comes to my family, I deal with their pain in such a fierce manner that it's difficult to separate myself out of it, especially where my children are concerned. I tend to gather them in like a mother hen.... which I cannot do because it's not helping anyone grow or mature the way they need to.
Anyway, so my anger has just been festering and building. I've been trying to deal with this situation as best I can sans anger but I realized today I've been leaving someone out of the process. I haven't been turning to Heavenly Father for help. I always think I have to do this stuff on my own, that I have to be so strong and unbreakable, especially as a mother. I'm the super hero here! I'm supposed to protect and conquer and when I fail to protect, as I have, I have to clean it up on my own. Right? No. Not right. That's not what the Atonement is about. It's not just for repenting. He didn't send His son just to Atone for my sins, but also for my sorrows and for my burdens. I am sorrowful and this burden is almost too much for me to bear and even with my wonderful husband shouldering some of this burden, I cannot carry it alone and dang it! I don't have to! Why do I forget that?
This morning, I was reading an Ensign article called If Thou Endure Well by Francisco J. Vinas. He quoted the scripture in D&C 121:7-8 where the Lord is responding to Joseph Smith's plea in Liberty Jail where he is asking God why He has forsaken him. And the Lord responds saying "My son, peace be unto thy soul, thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." This scripture always uplifts me and always gives me comfort. And I always feel gently rebuked for my lack of faith... "If thou endure it well...." I never seem to endure it well.
In D&C 122 at the end of verse 7, it says "know though, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." I don't know how this situation can be for my good or the good of my family, but I need to have faith that it will, that somehow we can find strength in this and move forward from here and that the people who have been affected by this will find something good in this.
Section 122 goes on to say in verse 8 "The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?" And the breaks went on and I stopped. My mind did a rewind to Elder Holland's talk on Christ's Atonement and Crucifixion, how the Spirit of God had to be withdrawn from Him for a brief moment so He could experience spiritual death. How Christ KNEW His father still loved him, how His faith never faltered, how He forgave those who murdered him, all for us. All for me. As much as I am hurting right now, I will never suffer the agony He suffered for me. Am I greater than He? Do I deserve to wallow in this? No. Is it excusable or understandable for my faith to falter over this when Christ's faith never faltered, even when he hung on the cross after being beaten, abused, and abandoned? No.
At the end of verse 9 in section 122 it says "therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever." Isn't that promise better than hanging onto anger? Isn't that what I should be teaching my kids? Won't that protect them better than hovering over them like a mother hen?
In Section 121: 45 it reads: "Let they bowels also be full if charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly: then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God..." This was God's counsel to Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail, to have charity towards all men, even the violent mob who threatened his life and his people. The Lord also told Joseph not to think evil thoughts, or thoughts of revenge. What good was that going to do anyway? That was only going to take precious time away from the Lord's work on the earth. How does that apply to me? When I am angry, I want to lash out and hurt those who hurt me. However, what good is that going to do? Besides, the people who "hurt" me are people I love and adore. I can't hurt them. Carrying around angry towards them is unproductive. I'd rather spend that energy loving them and working this out.
So... back to my knees. I have a lot of work to do!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Weak Things Become Strong
I've been sitting here contemplating the joy I have found in my life lately. What is so strange is that because of some stupid decisions I have made, I've lost valuable access to things I hold dear and sacred to my heart. At first I looked at this repentance process as a time of punishment, a time when I had to prove myself to someone. But I just realized something as I sat here, thinking of my family and the things most precious to me. This is not a time of punishment. The Savior atoned for my sins so there need not be a punishment. All he requires is that I repent and return.
Repent and return.
This repentance process is a time to heal. An opportunity to fully repent, to receive the spirit again and become strong again. This is an opportunity to recognize humility and accept it. In Ether 12:27 it says: "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
I gave into a weakness and in that weakness, I fell hard and made a mess I could not clean up on my own, and believe me, I tried so hard to clean it up on my own. I had to turn to priesthood authority for help and accept the consequences of my actions. I had to turn over my burdens to the Lord. I had to apply the powers of the Atonement. And in this time of weakness, I've been humbled enough to find myself on my knees frequently and when I am on my knees I feel myself growing strong enough to clean up more and more of the mess I've made.
In Alma 36, Alma is explaining to his son Helaman the story of his conversion to the church and he says this of his repentance in verse 21: "Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy."
I hurt my family in the stupid choices that I made. I have caused pain that didn't otherwise need to happen. However, we are now all able to reap the blessings of this repentance process and the blessings are so sweet. So exquisite. Does this excuse what I did? Certainly not! However, the Lord has also promised us that everything will be turned around for our good if we will come to Him. I have chosen to come to Him. I have chosen to repent and return and this is all being turned around for my good and for the good of my family. I already feel it! I already see it!
So no, this is not a time of punishment. This is a incredible time of enlightenment. A time of joy. And a valuable time of peace. I wanted to rush through this so I could regain access to those precious things I hold sacred. However, I think I need this time to grow stronger and continue to learn the lessons the Lord needs me to learn.
Repent and return.
This repentance process is a time to heal. An opportunity to fully repent, to receive the spirit again and become strong again. This is an opportunity to recognize humility and accept it. In Ether 12:27 it says: "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
I gave into a weakness and in that weakness, I fell hard and made a mess I could not clean up on my own, and believe me, I tried so hard to clean it up on my own. I had to turn to priesthood authority for help and accept the consequences of my actions. I had to turn over my burdens to the Lord. I had to apply the powers of the Atonement. And in this time of weakness, I've been humbled enough to find myself on my knees frequently and when I am on my knees I feel myself growing strong enough to clean up more and more of the mess I've made.
In Alma 36, Alma is explaining to his son Helaman the story of his conversion to the church and he says this of his repentance in verse 21: "Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy."
I hurt my family in the stupid choices that I made. I have caused pain that didn't otherwise need to happen. However, we are now all able to reap the blessings of this repentance process and the blessings are so sweet. So exquisite. Does this excuse what I did? Certainly not! However, the Lord has also promised us that everything will be turned around for our good if we will come to Him. I have chosen to come to Him. I have chosen to repent and return and this is all being turned around for my good and for the good of my family. I already feel it! I already see it!
So no, this is not a time of punishment. This is a incredible time of enlightenment. A time of joy. And a valuable time of peace. I wanted to rush through this so I could regain access to those precious things I hold sacred. However, I think I need this time to grow stronger and continue to learn the lessons the Lord needs me to learn.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Optimism
I've been thinking a lot about optimism. I tend to be more towards the sarcastic and cynical side of things. No, I don't really think I need to have the spirit help me decide between corn flakes and grape nuts for breakfast... But I have been thinking a lot about hope and faith. I've been reading a talk from the conference Ensign every night for two weeks. I've read some talks a couple times and have seen a common thread weaving all the talks together; having hope and faith in time of adveristy. These are tough times. These are scary times. My neighbor, who is experiencing a tremendous trial of her own (several actually), commented that many of our neighbors are going through many difficult struggles right now. It seems no matter where we turn or who we turn to, someone is in need and there is a reason to hit our knees. So it has become more and more apparent to me that this is also a critical time to remember what we are thankful for.
When Doug and I were first married and we would argue, someone suggested to me to write down 25 things that I loved about him. By the time I was done with that list, I could never stay angry with him because I would remember things that I adored about him and it would be impossible to hold anything ugly against him. I try to apply that to prayer and offering thanks to Heavenly Father. No matter how crappy my day has been or how big my struggle has been, I try to get on my knees and offer only gratitude. It helps to keep me focused on the positive things and I find my day to be so much more brighter! I'm nicer. The small stuff like socks being left in my flower beds (why do they do that?) and shoes in the bathroom and toilets not being flushed don't bother me. I'm able to spend more time enjoying my blessings because there are so many.
These are the times when my faith is strengthened because I can focus on strengthening my testimony. And I hope on those really dark days that my faith can pull me through.
My new motto: Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.
When Doug and I were first married and we would argue, someone suggested to me to write down 25 things that I loved about him. By the time I was done with that list, I could never stay angry with him because I would remember things that I adored about him and it would be impossible to hold anything ugly against him. I try to apply that to prayer and offering thanks to Heavenly Father. No matter how crappy my day has been or how big my struggle has been, I try to get on my knees and offer only gratitude. It helps to keep me focused on the positive things and I find my day to be so much more brighter! I'm nicer. The small stuff like socks being left in my flower beds (why do they do that?) and shoes in the bathroom and toilets not being flushed don't bother me. I'm able to spend more time enjoying my blessings because there are so many.
These are the times when my faith is strengthened because I can focus on strengthening my testimony. And I hope on those really dark days that my faith can pull me through.
My new motto: Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Feeling Alone
I frequently like to be alone. I'm not a "joiner." I'm not into big social gatherings or parties. I have to basically medicate myself and find my "chi" before we go to a ward party or a big family gathering. Being alone doesn't bother me at all, in the physical sense.
However, I do not like to FEEL alone. I love knowing that even if I'm hanging out in my bedroom by myself with a good book, I know my kids are playing downstairs or outside and that my husband is in his office playing WOW while pretending to work. I like knowing that at a moments notice, I have close friends that I can call on if I need them and my family will show up at my doorstep if I want them to.
I think the worst feeling in the world is to not have the spirit. I feel dead. To me, having the spirit feels like something inside me is open and expanding. I feel open to new ideas and I'm able to focus and be productive. When I don't feel the spirit, it's frustrating. I have been irritated at several times in my life that I can't seem to function as a successful person without the spirit when it seems that so many other people can. But that's an issue for another time.
My point in all of this is that I again read Jeffrey R. Holland's conference talk titled None Were with Him. Elder Holland talks about Christ's atonement for us and how He was prepared to be alone in the process. He knew the people he had healed and prayed over would turn against Him and He would be thrown in prison. He knew He would be betrayed by one of his desciples and that His other desciples would scatter and even deny Him. He was knew that He alone would have to atone for all our sins. Elder Holland points out that Christ even knew that Heavenly Father would have to withdraw from Him for a time while He was on the cross. This had to happen so Christ could feel the depth of sorrow we would feel by losing the spirit in sin or in spiritual death. However, Elder Holland says that Christ perhaps was not entirely prepared for the pain the withdrawing of the spirit would cause Him.
My favorite part of Elder Holland's talk is that Christ had faith and he held on through this pain. He held onto his faith in a father he KNEW was there. Elder Holland says that "The goodness in Him allowed faith to triumph even in a state of complete anguish." Elder Holland goes on to say that "Against all odds and with none to help or uphold Him, Jesus of Nazareth, the living Son of the living God, restored physical life where death had held sway and brought joyful, spiritual redemption out of sin, hellish darkness and despair."
Elder Holland closes his talk with a plea that Christ's lonely experience "will never be reenacted by us." He asks that we are always aware of Christ's promise that His spirit will always be with us. Isn't that the promise we're given every week as we take the Sacrament? Then why do I allow myself to commit acts that would allow the spirit to withdraw from me? If Christ can hold onto His faith during one of the most phsycally, emotionally, and spiritually painful experiences in the history of the world, then I think I can hang onto my faith thru my smaller trials.
Right now I'm experiencing some health issues. But I'm so grateful that it's not Doug going thru this! If it had been him, he may have lost his job and then we'd have very little income and no insurance! And what if it had been one of my precious babies? No, no, no... my illness is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. And as for my repentance. I did something soooooo stupid but I can come back from it. There is nothing big enough or important enough to hang onto to make me break the covenants I've made. I think Elder Christopherson said in his talk, obedience is freedom. Because really, rebelling has brought me NOTHING.
However, I do not like to FEEL alone. I love knowing that even if I'm hanging out in my bedroom by myself with a good book, I know my kids are playing downstairs or outside and that my husband is in his office playing WOW while pretending to work. I like knowing that at a moments notice, I have close friends that I can call on if I need them and my family will show up at my doorstep if I want them to.
I think the worst feeling in the world is to not have the spirit. I feel dead. To me, having the spirit feels like something inside me is open and expanding. I feel open to new ideas and I'm able to focus and be productive. When I don't feel the spirit, it's frustrating. I have been irritated at several times in my life that I can't seem to function as a successful person without the spirit when it seems that so many other people can. But that's an issue for another time.
My point in all of this is that I again read Jeffrey R. Holland's conference talk titled None Were with Him. Elder Holland talks about Christ's atonement for us and how He was prepared to be alone in the process. He knew the people he had healed and prayed over would turn against Him and He would be thrown in prison. He knew He would be betrayed by one of his desciples and that His other desciples would scatter and even deny Him. He was knew that He alone would have to atone for all our sins. Elder Holland points out that Christ even knew that Heavenly Father would have to withdraw from Him for a time while He was on the cross. This had to happen so Christ could feel the depth of sorrow we would feel by losing the spirit in sin or in spiritual death. However, Elder Holland says that Christ perhaps was not entirely prepared for the pain the withdrawing of the spirit would cause Him.
My favorite part of Elder Holland's talk is that Christ had faith and he held on through this pain. He held onto his faith in a father he KNEW was there. Elder Holland says that "The goodness in Him allowed faith to triumph even in a state of complete anguish." Elder Holland goes on to say that "Against all odds and with none to help or uphold Him, Jesus of Nazareth, the living Son of the living God, restored physical life where death had held sway and brought joyful, spiritual redemption out of sin, hellish darkness and despair."
Elder Holland closes his talk with a plea that Christ's lonely experience "will never be reenacted by us." He asks that we are always aware of Christ's promise that His spirit will always be with us. Isn't that the promise we're given every week as we take the Sacrament? Then why do I allow myself to commit acts that would allow the spirit to withdraw from me? If Christ can hold onto His faith during one of the most phsycally, emotionally, and spiritually painful experiences in the history of the world, then I think I can hang onto my faith thru my smaller trials.
Right now I'm experiencing some health issues. But I'm so grateful that it's not Doug going thru this! If it had been him, he may have lost his job and then we'd have very little income and no insurance! And what if it had been one of my precious babies? No, no, no... my illness is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. And as for my repentance. I did something soooooo stupid but I can come back from it. There is nothing big enough or important enough to hang onto to make me break the covenants I've made. I think Elder Christopherson said in his talk, obedience is freedom. Because really, rebelling has brought me NOTHING.
Monday, May 4, 2009
New Beginning
I initially started this blog as a journal of my journey to losing weight. Ha! I've come to accept that it's not going to happen any time soon, so I'm changing the theme of this blog. I'm on a new journey. This is now going to be about my spiritual journey.
Now, most of my friends and family know that I am not the most reverent and spiritually minded person. I have been known to say "crap" at church or snicker and pretend to hang myself with a noose when someone gets up to bear their testimony and starts crying before they start talking.... So this isn't going to be your garden variety spiritual journey.
Over the last few months, I've messed up. BIG TIME. Big enough that I'm in need of some serious repentance. I've been reluctant to get started on this journey, but I took a big step the other night toward full repentance and I'm almost euphoric so I want to share this experience with everyone! I'm not going to give the gory details. But, for those who know me and the crap I've pulled in the past, you'll appreciate being left in the dark.
I've realized some very important things over the past couple weeks. First of all, I'm married to a wonderful man. My husband puts up with a lot. I love him so much and the covenants I've made with him are extremely important. I've broken those covenants and I need to fix that and make it right with him and with the Lord.
Second, and this isn't something I've just realized... I've always known it... but I love my children. They are the single most important things to me. The covenants I have broken by the sins I've committed have put my eternal family in jeopardy. All I want to do right now is fix that and make it right.
Third, I am not a Molly Mormon nor will I ever be. I don't fit into the Mormon Mother mold. But I do have a strong testimony. I know this church is true and I believe in having an eternal family and I have every desire to put forth the effort to make things right! Starting with the small things like scripture study and family and personal prayer.
My friend Kim and I are reading one conference talk per week and then discussing it together, kind of like our own mini book group. This week we're reading Elder Holland's talk. I think it's called And None Were With Him or something like that. I read thru it tonight and will read thru it more thoroughly tomorrow but so far I'm blown away. Of course, I love Elder Holland so I'm not surprised that I loved this talk. However, he talks about how Christ was alone in his journey to redeem man, how he was alone in the Atonement and how he was alone in his death. He did that so we never have to be alone in this life. At this particular time in my life, that means the world to me!
Now, most of my friends and family know that I am not the most reverent and spiritually minded person. I have been known to say "crap" at church or snicker and pretend to hang myself with a noose when someone gets up to bear their testimony and starts crying before they start talking.... So this isn't going to be your garden variety spiritual journey.
Over the last few months, I've messed up. BIG TIME. Big enough that I'm in need of some serious repentance. I've been reluctant to get started on this journey, but I took a big step the other night toward full repentance and I'm almost euphoric so I want to share this experience with everyone! I'm not going to give the gory details. But, for those who know me and the crap I've pulled in the past, you'll appreciate being left in the dark.
I've realized some very important things over the past couple weeks. First of all, I'm married to a wonderful man. My husband puts up with a lot. I love him so much and the covenants I've made with him are extremely important. I've broken those covenants and I need to fix that and make it right with him and with the Lord.
Second, and this isn't something I've just realized... I've always known it... but I love my children. They are the single most important things to me. The covenants I have broken by the sins I've committed have put my eternal family in jeopardy. All I want to do right now is fix that and make it right.
Third, I am not a Molly Mormon nor will I ever be. I don't fit into the Mormon Mother mold. But I do have a strong testimony. I know this church is true and I believe in having an eternal family and I have every desire to put forth the effort to make things right! Starting with the small things like scripture study and family and personal prayer.
My friend Kim and I are reading one conference talk per week and then discussing it together, kind of like our own mini book group. This week we're reading Elder Holland's talk. I think it's called And None Were With Him or something like that. I read thru it tonight and will read thru it more thoroughly tomorrow but so far I'm blown away. Of course, I love Elder Holland so I'm not surprised that I loved this talk. However, he talks about how Christ was alone in his journey to redeem man, how he was alone in the Atonement and how he was alone in his death. He did that so we never have to be alone in this life. At this particular time in my life, that means the world to me!
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